If there is one great favour that social networking has done us as women, it’s removing the stigma connecting motherhood and mental health issues.
Let me assure you, if you were a mother a decade ago and you were struggling with depression or anxiety – you were hiding it. Today we can open our phones and not only see a wave of mothers being honest about their feelings, but connect with them too.
Social networking has drawn a line under mothers thinking they are the only person feeling anything.
I have four children, which has left me feeling a world of emotion… and I’m not alone in that. We can love our children without the pressure to feel grateful every minute. The screaming, constant demands and even physical presence of another person around the clock can be heavy.
Now, while I talk about the advantage of social networking. Don’t get me wrong – being as connected as we are today can also do a huge amount of damage to our mental health.
How many of us feel like we’re not doing a good enough job after a casual scroll? Our house is a mess. We are a mess. Our child hasn’t made a lump of clay into an entire dinner set before noon. In fact… are they still in pyjamas?! We haven’t served avocado on beansprouts for breakfast. Our child watched Sesame Street during dinner so we could read a few pages of our neglected book.
Most of us, if we’re honest.
But posts tagged #HonestMotherhood or #MotherhoodUnplugged were my first introduction to a world where we didn’t just hide behind smiles. We stood exposed for the world to see. Since I was a child I’ve walked into the supermarket and seen breasts out on the front page of newspapers, but this was the first time I had seen women truly naked in public.
And it was powerful.
There was finally an important connection being made between motherhood and mental health.
Unfortunately, most of the posts I see about motherhood and mental health don’t focus on us truly helping ourselves in small but significant ways. In the weeks leading up to World Mental Health Day, I was approached to partner with several diet-pill brands.
‘Feel confident again – you deserve it!’
*Heavy eyeroll*
My mental health has been a roller-coaster since I became a mum. It can be up, down and all around before I even have breakfast! But there are times when it has been firmly down. I have struggled with depression several times.
If you are dealing with prolonged periods of feeling low and/or anxious, you should absolutely speak to your doctor. Despite my initial reluctance, having a conversation with a professional helped me enormously. There was no judgement, just a listening ear. Medication is always discussed. While it has been invaluable for some people I know, it took me less than one week to realise that medication is not the answer for me. That discovery meant that I would need to develop ways to help myself.
A Toolkit:
1. Remembering that we matter, too.
As a mother, it can become far too easy to drown in the needs of others. But motherhood shouldn’t be about sacrifices – it should be about being part of a family. Make a conscious effort to stop yourself using phrases like ‘Oh, I’m just a mum.’
I once had a session with a therapist who, at the end of the session, gave me a very stern look. ‘Now, I feel like I know everything about your two children, your partner, even your parents…I don’t know a thing about you.’ I left feeling a little sulky, like I had been told off. It took me years to see her point!
2. you can’t pour from an empty cup.
As mothers, we have to get on with it. Very few of us can take a full day off every week to curl up in an armchair and binge on Netflix, take a bubble-bath, go to lunch with friends and recharge. (If you can, do it! Ignore the sneaky mum-guilt… you deserve it.)
But for some reason, when things are hectic, we think we can go without basic human needs?! Nourishing our bodies with a healthy diet and exercise, fresh air, daylight, sleep. Being overly busy and boasting about being productive when we’re running on coffee seems to be trendy these days. Let’s be thoroughly un-trendy and try being healthy instead.
3. Be conscious of what you’re consuming
I’m not talking about the coffee now, I’m talking content. Motherhood caused me to care about everything, and empathy is draining. While I hope my children grow to be kind, I desperately hope that they aren’t overly empathetic. It isn’t a good quality, and I’m sure it frustrates those nearest and dearest to me.
Absorbing the world’s emotions isn’t healthy, and I struggle not to when I’m exposed to it.
For that reason, I limit my exposure to the news. I choose podcasts carefully, subscribe to youtubers and blogs that leave me feeling understood or inspired, and unfollow instagram accounts that leave me feeling inadequate, angry or even just downright negative.
4. be organised
This does not come naturally to me! I don’t mean that in the sense I occasionally forget the baby wipes… I mean, I have to count the children to ensure I’ve not forgotten one. I have found that making the effort to be prepared and organised helps me step into the day on the right foot.
If I spend the day as a sweaty mess, a little late everywhere and forgetting to pick up dinner, I end the day feeling like a failure.
While the last thing I want to do at the end of a long, tiring day is clean the kitchen and pack lunches – it really makes a difference.
I recently wrote a post on 5 Ways To Be More Organised: Hacks For The Seemingly Incurably Disorganised
5. Remember that the online world is carefully curated
Whether it’s a 3am scroll through the facebook profile of one of the mums from school or a YouTube video of how another mum gets everything done with time to work from home and get a manicure, remember that it’s been posted for a reason.
The reason probably wasn’t to make you feel bad about yourself (thankfully sadists are few and far between) but probably to make them feel good.
We tend to post what we love, what we’re proud of and what we find beautiful.
We don’t tend to film or post us shouting at our kids, the dirty dishes in the sink or selfies of the days we didn’t manage to shower until 5pm.
Those things still happen.
Perspective is everything when it comes to motherhood and good mental health. Do not compare your worst days to somebody else’s highlight reel.
6. Write things down
I’m not talking about to-do lists (though I do highly recommend them, ticking things off is so satisfying!)
I’m talking about offloading emotions with pen and paper. Or even a keyboard. Whether it’s a journal, texting a friend, writing a blog or posting on instagram – there’s nothing like a mind-dump to take a weight off your shoulders.
7. sleep
Now, I know this might sound like a luxury. If you have young children who wake through the night, I expect you just growled when you read that suggestion.
But hear me out.
A lot of us are our own worst enemy when it comes to sleep. Unless they’re going through a regression/mental leap (and if they are then I’m sending you my love – I feel your pain right now!) most children sleep for longer than three hours a night. But a lot of the time, we try to carve out a little alone time for our own sanity… but bingeing on Peaky Blinders (ahem, guilty!) until 2am is going to feel rubbish the next day.
We all know we need sleep.
Sleep deprivation doesn’t just leave us feeling low, it can lead to a hormone imbalance, weight gain, skin breakouts and about a thousand other unwanted symptoms that result in us feeling a thousand times worse!
I find it difficult to resist these habits sometimes, but when it comes to motherhood and mental health, I know I have to. I don’t sleep with my phone by the bed, I set an alarm for when the tele has to go off and I really enjoy my skincare routine before bed. I also make a conscious effort to notice how I feel after a good night sleep, both physically and emotionally.
8. community
It takes a village, a tribe, a community… whatever you think of it as, it takes one. When it comes to motherhood and mental health, a support network matters.
Take it from somebody who is now a military wife living hours from her support network: appreciate them, and ask for help when you need to. I now wish I had been better at asking my mum to pop over when we lived so close!
Ensure that it’s made up of individuals who make you feel good about yourself and confident in your abilities.
As a mother, you need people cheering you on, not making you question yourself.
9. Be aware of your space
As mums, most of us relinquish a lot of territory. I’m talking about literal territory! When we’re pregnant or, in cases of adoption or surrogacy, getting ready to bring a baby home, we begin nesting. My nesting game is strong. At 8 months pregnant with my son Jacob, I was so busy looking up at a roller as I painted clouds on the ceiling that I didn’t notice paint dry and stick my bump to the wall.
I love a family home.
But.
We forget that we need a space.
Whether it’s a second bathroom tucked away somewhere in the house which is the home of white towels and candles, or just your bedroom – try to keep a space for yourself.
We don’t have a big house in proportion to the size of our family, so I keep our bedroom a comforting space. It’s uncluttered and has Anthropologie blankets, candles, books and… well, basically things nobody has wiped their nose on.
10. keep your finances in order
Money is a taboo subject (I’m not sure why?!) and often a huge cause of stress in everybody’s life, whether you have it or not.
Budgets are not just for people who live paycheck to paycheck – they are for any income.
I have found it key to having good mental health. I need to have my money sorted. I don’t mean I need to be wealthy, I mean I need to be aware.
While I often struggle to find a single pair of matching socks, the area of our life that is always organised is our finances. I know what is coming in, what has to go out, and where every spare penny in the budget is allocated.
It doesn’t sound very fun and it really should be something we learn in school.
If you have ever been self-employed and filled out a tax return then I imagine you sat there wondering why on earth we were made to memorise Pi. Taxes/ mortgages/ budgets were never mentioned in the first 13 years of education?!
So don’t hate me for saying this: do yourself a spreadsheet and your future self will thank you.
11. Make time to do things you enjoy
This sounds like a direct contradiction to ‘7. Sleep’ … but hear me out.
Right now, I have very young children. They alternate which of them is teething, waking at night or on a hunger strike. The moment I get a window of ‘free’ time, I sit down to work. So for now, I have learned to incorporate things I enjoy into my days with them.
I love to read, so we curl up and enjoy books together. It isn’t classic Dickens, but they’re beautiful stories that bring us joy. I enjoy puzzles, so we have The Tiger Who Came To Tea jigsaw half done on our dinner table as I write this. I love to be outside, so we take long walks in beautiful places and chant ‘We’re going on a bear hunt, we’re going to catch a big one, what a beautiful day…’
I was not going to lose an hour of sleep to get up at 5am and do a workout this morning – so the kids and I did Dance with Elmo before breakfast. They make me laugh, and that feels good.
I don’t have much in the way of ‘me’ time these days, but everything in life is a season. When it comes to motherhood and mental health, I have learned that I can help myself in simple ways.
I would love to have a conversation with you in the comments – how do you look after your mental health?
Love, Helen
Disclaimer: I am not a qualified health professional, and if you are feeling low you should seek the advice of your healthcare provider. This article contains my own opinions and life experiences.
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