Learning to be more present with your child is the same as learning anything else: It takes practice.
I have found that there are two things in life that really matter to me, but that I’m not naturally really very good at.
The first is ice-skating (growing up a Buffy fan from the early days, facing this reality devastated me!)
The other is being a present parent.
There are also two circumstances in which I am bound to hear the expression ‘Time flies, enjoy it!’ while I am with my children:
One is when I am looking at a book or my phone, usually on a park bench as they slumber peacefully in the buggy. The other is when I am also in the park… only this time I’m wrestling two children, one under each arm, in a bid to make it home as they scream in protest while trying to bite my armpits. (My eldest daughter once taught her younger brother to shout ‘STRANGER DANGER’ should I ever refuse to get him a Kinder Egg. Time did not fly that day.)
Both of these situations apparently call for a stranger to remind me that time is going to slip away from my children, and me. This never fails to cause me a flash of irritation and a pang of mum-guilt.
Reading between the lines: ‘You need to be more present with your child.’
The irritation is because I know they’re right.
But it isn’t easy to admit that you need to be more present with your child.
After suffering with mum-guilt for sixteen years now, I am an expert. I am also a firm believer that it should be abolished, along with mum-shaming. It should cease to exist as thoroughly as those tracksuit trousers with the poppers that we were all rocking with hair mascara in the 90’s.
*For anyone younger than that reading those words, don’t judge: we didn’t have YouTube teaching us about the perfect balayage, okay?
While I do know that mum-guilt is the bane of many of our lives, I will admit that it dooes make me a more mindful mother. If mum-guilt tells you that you need to be more present with your child, you just might.
That is certainly the case for me when I get that familiar ache of guilt. (Do I really need so much of it though?)
Time does slip away, there’s no denying that, and usually we are all too busy spinning plates to realise until it’s too late.
Now, please don’t confuse me saying that time really does fly with me telling you to enjoy every minute. You would have to drink wine on your morning cornflakes to enjoy some days with your children. That is because they are humans, and therefore just as likely as you to have an off day… more so, in fact!
But one thing has helped me develop a toolkit to be more present: Self Awareness.
Like most mothers, most of what I do, I do for my children. However, it’s a sad reality that they sometimes play dearly for that juggling I’m doing for them.
‘Sorry darling, mummy can’t be a robot right now, she’s got to wash the dishes.’
‘Sorry darling, mummy can’t build a den right now, she’s got to reply to this work email.’
‘Sorry darling…’
The list goes on. But that’s life, isn’t it? The dishes have to be done so we can serve dinner to our kids on clean plates. Work has to be done so we can provide our kids with a nice home.
But it does become habit.
It’s a bad habit when we forget how to switch off and just be mum. But that’s forgivable, because we give ourselves so completely to parenthood that it’s natural to want to claw back a little for ourselves. It starts as a work email, and before we know it – we’ve lost an hour to instagram.
Here’s what I’ve learnt.
1. Notice when you are being present
How many times do you mentally beat yourself up for not being good enough? Actually think about how many times, in one single day, you have berated yourself for doing something wrong.
I’m willing to bet it’s a lot!
So you need to train yourself to acknowledge when you are doing something right. Learn to identify how much better you feel on the days you have been the parent your child needed you to be.
2. TELL YOUR INNER MEAN GIRL TO GET IN THE BIN
It sounds so simple to notice that you are doing something right. It should be! But I really struggle with this.
Learning to notice when I’m sat reading with the children, noticing the honey smell of their hair and their broken little language is easy enough. My issue is that my internal mean girl wants to remind me that I wasn’t present enough when I had a podcast on while making breakfast.
Most of us don’t talk to ourselves the way that we speak to anybody else. We call ourselves unworthy, fat, inadequate, a failure. It’s incredibly difficult, especially if you have been spoken to by others in that way. But trust me, that was about them and their insecurity – not about you.
The moment you make an effort to train yourself to recognise your little wins your whole perspective will shift.
3. COMPARTMENTALIsE your to-do list
Possibly the hardest thing to do as a mother, am I right?! There is always something that needs doing, and there always will be. I personally love being productive and being able to tick items off a list so I can see that I have accomplished something.
But we don’t always need to be accomplishing something. Learning to just be, matters. Get down on the floor to play with the train set – you will make your child’s day, which will make yours.
If you need to, add it to your to-do list. Studies have shown that children thrive on 15 minute periods of one-to-one undivided attention. If you can do that for 15 minutes of every hour, you will feel a huge difference. It may sound like a lot, but that is only quarter of your day.
In time I doubt you’ll need it on your list, but if you struggle to justify time to yourself at first, add it to your list.
4. Lower your standards
This was one of the biggest lessons I had to learn as a mother. When I was a young mum, I didn’t struggle to be present at all.
I was naturally present.
I would much rather have played knights than tackle the laundry, so I did. I would much rather go on a bear hunt than get out the vacuum, so I did. The house was messier, but I’m actually sure I had happier children! I think, as adults, we need to remember that kids don’t notice a pile of laundry or a flashy car.
They just want us.
As I got older I would feel judged by others for not having an immaculate home, for not working or earning enough. As our home became tidier and my working days grew longer, I noticed my children vying for my attention. ‘Mummy look at this!’ became their catchphrase.
As society teaches us to care what others think, it’s a really tough cycle to break. But I also think it’s important to try – we would all enjoy motherhood a lot more! Build the den and have pudding with lunch together.
5. Lock away your phone
I actually think that there are a lot of benefits to social networking and the internet. As an introvert, it’s allowed me to connect on my own terms without feeling overwhelmed or drained. It provides invaluable entertainment – I love spending time watching Netflix, reading blogs and browsing Pinterest for inspiration. It’s an endless source of knowledge and inspiration. And you should be consuming things you enjoy!
But social networking is addictive.
I recently watched The Social Dilemma, and it hit me hard. I now notice that nobody is looking at each other. On boxing day I left my phone in the car, sat in a coffee shop with my family, and realised that every single person was looking down and scrolling.
It’s too easy to think that it’s odd that you need to learn to be more present with your child, but most of us haven’t been raised in a culture that focuses on being present at all.
Essentially we now live in a world which earns money by making us addicted to receiving validation through like notifications our phones. It isn’t about us having phones, there are many wonderful businesses that operate on the internet! It’s about designing technology that intentionally causes an addiction.
It’s as real as addiction to drink or drugs: it’s an unhealthy behaviour. It can significantly impact our lives. How many times a day do you reach for your phone and open apps for no reason, or mindlessly scroll?
For me, it was far too often.
I still love to consume content, but I try to do it intentionally now. I don’t wake up and scroll through instagram over breakfast – I talk to my kids. I don’t consume short content – I’m not on tiktok and like a long YouTube video or blog post. Something that holds my interest! I spend a bit of time on my phone in the evening, watching or reading, but I put my phone away when we are watching a film.
I don’t sleep with my phone in the bedroom unless my husband or children are away. Being contactable is one of the wonderful benefits of technology… but don’t make yourself too contactable.
I mitigate a lot of this noise by signing up to receive notifications/emails/alerts when content is uploaded by my favourite YouTubers/ bloggers/ instagrammers. That way I’m still consuming content that I want in my life, but with intention and I’m mindful of the times I choose to do that.
Sometimes I have things to do online so I will catch myself trying to do it while Snow White is on, one arm around the children and the other typing on my phone. Nothing is that urgent, and I will remember those family movie nights when my hair is grey and my eyes are lined.
I put my phone away. I remind myself to be present.
6. Get outside
I say this time and time again, but nothing brings you back to the present like being outdoors. The sounds, the smells, the beauty of it all. Breathing in through the nose 1…2…3, and out through the nose 1…2…3. It centers you.
If my children are bouncing off the walls and my mind is in chaos, heading somewhere green and calm reminds me of what is important. When my head is busy, I bundle everyone into the car, come rain or shine, and head to our local country park. I watch the kids race around being planes or roaring to scare The Gruffalo, and suddenly nothing else matters.
We’re there, we’re together, and I’m not lost in the clock. I’m just watching them race about, picking up acorns and telling me about their treasure. It’s the perfect setting to be more present with your child, because there’s no distractions.
7. be intentional about your day
I once read a book that suggested instead of thinking ‘I have to do this’, try to re-frame your approach to ‘I get to do this.’
I started realising that as time is slipping away so quicky, it is up to me how I spend it. My older son Jacob (11) and I now have a book club! It can be tricky to learn how to be present with older children, they seem to suddenly shift from playing pretend kitchens to being young adults, and they are often less present with you.
But when I suggested that we alternate picking a book that we both read, then have a cosy sofa chat about it with nibbles on the 1st of every month – he loved the idea.
It’s far easier to be present with younger children, even by just involving them in day to day life.
Have you ever cooked with your children? It’s messy, time consuming and often stressful (‘WHY ARE YOU PUTTING EGG SHELL IN THE MIXER? NO DON’T PUT YOUR HAND IN TO GET IT!!!!’
But, it’s also incredibly rewarding. Things need doing, so many things! So learn to find joy in the simple pleasure of just being together.
If you have ever asked a toddler to wash up, set the table, help make lunch, match odd socks or garden, you will know that they approach pretty much everything with enthusiasm. If I make a fuss of what a good job my 3 year old has done with laying the table while I’m making lunch (all spoons, always?!) he wants to do it every day. I love that proud look on his face! It not only feels good to have involved him and been present with him, but I’m teaching him life skills.
It’s impossible to be present all of the time. Whether it’s with our partner, our kids, even ourselves. We live in a world that is too busy for our brains: technology is evolving far faster than us.
I do think it’s important to develop self awareness and a mental toolkit that allows us to be more present with our children. Learn to forgive yourself when you aren’t – the days are not only long but they’re also hard with small children.
I hope you find something that helps you here, and I would really appreciate you sharing any of your own tips on how to be more present with your child in the comments. I have found the wisdom of mothers to be invaluable in this thing called parenting!
Love, Helen
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